I hadn't thought about Stu Spasm and Lubricated Goat in a dozen years until Irwin played Stu's Thunderball cover at precisely the microsecond I needed to laugh out loud in a cumulative kaboom, a cleansing bwack, a shut-the-front-door snort.
Good day. I've remembered Lubricated Goat. My daughter is strong and brave. I'm increasingly convinced Woof is a wondercat. I've got a date Friday night to eat the best Indian food in Mocoland and then see a movie. I'm gonna STAND! for United with three of my favorite people in a hurricane Saturday night. I'm not urped, this second, with a trapped laugh of complicit guilt in any of my worlds. Castigate me.
- War on the poor.
- Worshiping the status quo.
- Obamadick.
- Obamadick.
- Pwoggle's lament.
- Dickdick.
- Dickdick. Reading club?
- People, get ready:
- Enjoy! It's gonna be crackers!
- It will be Perry for the simple reason that crackers think he'll make pwoggle heads explode the most.
- In retrospect, one of the major reasons I supported Obama over HRC was because I thought he'd make cracker heads explode the most.
- Crackerstan.
- 2012.
- Fighting the backlash.
- Fracking?
- He gets letters.
- Miscellany.
- Dang. He was on the mound often when I was at Memorial often.
- Have you lost your emu?
- Silliman's always generous lit-links.
- Hav? Anybody?
- Mining the audio motherlode.
- Mythologies.
- Gargoyles.
- Promised Land.
- Shut Your Mind.
- The Goats always reminded me of The Verbs.
- Holyfuck, I love The Verbs.
QUIZ
Linh Dinh
Invaders invariably call themselves:
a) berserkers
b) marauders
c) frankincense
d) liberators
Our enemies hate us because:
a) we’re sadists
b) we’re hypocrites
c) we shafted them
d) we value freedom
Our friends hate us because:
a) we’re bullies
b) we hate them
c) we’re hypocrites
d) we value freedom
Pushed to the ground and kicked by a gang of soldiers, about to be shot, you can save your life by brandishing:
a) an uzi
b) a crucifix
c) the Constitution
d) a poem
A poem can:
a) start a war
b) stanch a wound
c) titillate the masses
d) shame a nation
Poets are:
a) clowns
b) parasites
c) legislators
d) terrorists
A nation’s standing in the world is determined by:
a) its buying power
b) its military might
c) its cultural heritage
d) God
A country is rich because of:
a) its enlightened population
b) its political system
c) its small stick
d) its geography
A country is poor because of:
a) its ignorant population
b) its political system
c) its small stick
d) its geography
A man’s dignity is determined by:
a) his appearance (skin color, height, etc)
b) his willingness to use violence
c) his command of English
d) his blue passport
Those willing to die for their beliefs are:
a) idealists
b) terrorists
c) suckers
d) insane
Those willing to die for nothing are:
a) principled
b) patriotic
c) insane
d) cowards
Terrorists:
a) abuse language
b) hit and run
c) shock and awe
d) rely on ingenuity
Smart weapons:
a) render hopeless and dormant kinetic objects
b) kill softly
c) save lives
d) slaughter by science
Pain is:
a) payback for evil-doers
b) a common misfortune
c) compelling drama
d) suck it up!
Humiliation is:
a) the ultimate thrill for bored perverts
b) inevitable in an unequal relationship
c) a fear factor
d) sexy and cathartic
The media’s job is:
a) to seduce
b) to spread
c) to sell
d) to drug
The Internet:
a) allows us to be pure minds
b) connects us to distant bodies
c) disconnects us from the nearest minds and bodies
d) improves illiteracy
Pornography is:
a) a lie that exposes the truth
b) a needed breather from civilization
c) class warfare
d) nostalgia for the garden of Eden
Correct answers: c,d,d,b,b,a,b,a,a,c,b,b,b,c,b,d,b,d,c.
—If you scored 14-19, you’re a well adjusted person, a home-owner, with and income of at least $50,000 a year.
—If you scored 8-13, you either rent or live with your parents, never exercise, and consume at least a 6-pack a day.
—if you scored 7 or less, you’re in trouble with the FBI and/or the IRS, cut your own hair, and use public transit as your primary mode of transportation.
